Living in the Shadow of Idealization

EDITOR’S NOTE: Last week, I wrote about the leadership lessons I learned in the Rockies. One of the people I learn from there is Dr. Ron Nydam, a former professor and current mentor of mine. I’m honored to publish a guest article from him this week. I hope his insights are as valuable to you as they have been to me!

LIVING IN THE SHADOW OF IDEALIZATION
By Dr. Ron Nydam

Why is it that pastors often don’t have pastors? We hear about ministries that pastor pastors or denominational offices that offer pastoral care to ministers, but these are often too-late, after-the-fact responses to pastors who are in trouble, depleted, or “burned out.” Their “get up and go” got up and left, and only then is there a pastoral response available for pastors.

• Pastoring takes its usual toll on pastors. There is so much to do in parish ministry. One pastor playfully commented that he felt like “a dog at a whistler’s convention!” When care and even civility are in short supply for long enough, pastors run out of spiritual strength and emotional fortitude, as any human being would.

Part of the problem is something called idealization. Idealization is the process whereby one person “looks up” to another and sees something good, strong, powerful, or faithful in that person.

• Children naturally idealize parents, teachers, and coaches, and something similar happens in ministry. People look to their pastors for spiritual leadership, wisdom, faith, and security. This is not necessarily something to be corrected. Idealization can be a useful part of my ability to minister effectively.

But idealization does not come without a price. There is also a shadow under which pastors and their spouses often live. Being seen as strong can make it harder for others to see when you need strength. Being a spiritual caregiver makes it harder to find someone who will care for your soul.

So how do pastors live wisely under the shadow of idealization?

FIVE WAYS TO HANDLE IDEALIZATION

1. ALLOW IDEALIZATION TO HAPPEN NATURALLY
   People will sometimes hold their pastors in high regard. Let that develop naturally as a tool for ministry. There is no need to continually insist, “I’m just like you.” Pastors are fellow Christians, certainly, but they have also been given a particular responsibility to lead and care for the flock.
2. ENJOY IDEALIZATION WITHOUT GETTING A “FAT HEAD”
   Being held in high esteem gives pastors influence and authority that can be used for tremendous good. Receive that as a privilege without falling into the temptation of arrogance. Think highly of your calling without thinking too highly of yourself.
3. HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS OF WHAT YOUR CONGREGATION WILL GIVE BACK
   It may not be realistic to expect parishioners to recognize and respond to all the emotional and spiritual needs of their pastor. The very idealization that helps them receive your ministry can make it difficult for them to see those needs.
4. GET A LIFE OUTSIDE THE PARISH
   Clergy and their spouses need relationships beyond the walls of the congregation they serve. A friend or two from another church, a couple from the neighborhood, or companions in ministries different from your own can be enormously important. These are relationships where idealization plays a much smaller role and pastors and their spouses can simply be themselves, complaints and all.
5. ORGANIZE YOUR OWN PASTORAL CARE
   Find spiritual nurture outside your own weekly worship. A cup of coffee, a lunchtime talk, reading for pleasure, a day of fishing, or a round of golf with someone who does not see you first as “the pastor” can be healing for your soul. Better yet, find someone who can ask about your life with God and genuinely pastor you.

Pastors spend their lives caring for the souls of others; they need someone to care for theirs.

Pastors are human beings who need emotional and spiritual support just as surely as the people they serve. Healthy, sustainable ministry requires pastors and their spouses to intentionally create or discover sources of care outside the congregation.

Once a week, in some kind of Sabbath rhythm, it is wise to be with people unconnected to the parish world, people who do not idealize you as the pastor, people around whom you can truly be yourself.